This Life Is Weary
When I was a child, I looked forward to being an adult because I can finally have independence and earn my own money. I thought adulthood will save me from the subjugation of childhood. Indeed, I naively believed that growing older was a process of empowerment and wealth accumulation. All this changed when I graduated and started working as a bank clerk and got pregnant after two years. Subsequent family problems occurred. My cohabitation partner left me after a year of living together and chose another woman, while my parents died due to a car accident. This life is weary because of boring routine office work, mountains of household and family duties, and being buried in debt.
Tedious company work dulls my life. As a bank clerk, I am at the branch from 8 in the morning to 5 pm, sometimes up to 6 or 7 pm depending on the work load that day and meetings. Essentially, I work almost 10 hours each day, 5 times a week. During this time, I handle all the financial transactions of customers and answer different inquiries on financial transactions. I process and accept payments and deposits, counting money that will never be mine, hour after hour. Finally, at the end of the day, I conduct physical verification of cash and reconcile my records. Every now and then, I have missing money that gets deducted from my salary. I think I make mistakes because of fatigue. Many times, I open my eyes thinking that I should quit this horribly monotonous work and start a business instead, but the risk of losing what little savings I have scares me. I would then go to the same cubicle doing the same things over and over again for the last five years.
Respite from work is absent in my home life. I only have a part-time nanny who leaves the moment I arrive. I have one child and by the time I come home, I cook dinner, do the dishes, and clean up. Afterwards, I help my daughter complete her assignment and read books to her. We will watch TV a little before going to sleep. While she is sleeping, I check on her books and see if she is having problems with any subject. I sleep at 10 pm and wake up at 3 am to go to the market and cook food. I also prepare my child’s school things. Some people think I rest during weekends but they are wrong. I do the laundry and clean the house inside out. Sunday is church time as well where I fight nodding off to sleep. I see family life as this: I work after spending a long time in the office- unpaid, back-breaking work. In other words, when I am not doing a white-collar job, I am performing a blue-collar job. At the same time, in the absence of my parents and having no siblings, I do everything on my own.
To make life extra strenuous, debts haunt me. I have a large credit card debt because I have been sick a few years ago where I was unable to work for five months. The doctor could not even diagnose what I have but constant pain in the back debilitated me. As abruptly as the pain arrived, it left as well but with a mountain of debts. Some people were coaxing me to file for bankruptcy and ease my burden. However, I knew that I did not meet the qualifications with regards to my salary. I resisted long vacations and taking unpaid leaves in order to pay off my debt and loans while at least having some savings in the bank. I still have a large debt waiting to be paid with interest accruing.
I never knew adulthood can be this exhausting. Every day, I put in more work yet life demands additional labor from me. My false hopes of an independent adult life make me weep. I only forfeited the control of my parents for the lifetime control of my company and the government (which taxes me). Slavery is a fact; life is a grueling journey where meaninglessness abounds yet the body must go on with respect to work and family duties. This life is not only weary; it is futile to live it but immoral to leave it.